RESENTMENT IS REGRESSION

As I sit high above the atlantic skies somewhere around 3o,ooo feet on my return flight home to Scottsdale from Tampa.

I find myself completely full of emotion, content and love like never before in my entire life.

As I begin to type this letter I interrupt myself every few moments with an abrupt series of uncontrollable alligator tears that feel like they are being pulled out of my head by a pair of pliers

[the nice lady sitting next to me handed me at first a single tissue and now the entire pack]

You see I was born with a heart condition.

A gigantic whole in my heart and in my soul is missing from living a life without my biological father.

[it’s fairly common in todays society]

The resentment I have lived with for 38 years still continues to effect me after learning that he has spent most of my life in and around Southern California where I was born and raised and may still be living today.

This resentment towards him was magnified when I turned 12 in 1990 as I was living in Palm Springs with my single parent Mom who was already 55 years old.

[she had me her only child at 43 years of age]

At this exact time in my life I was in dire need of a male role model and aside from my amazing uncle Alan there was zero qualified contenders in and around our life to teach me important lessons like how to shave, where it goes and how to tie a tie.

[you can probably youtube all 3 now]

My mom let me make the choice of learning about my father and even went as far as helping me track him down.

After a few phone calls [from our home phone] we had received confirmation that Earl Herbert Doane aka Butch was alive, well and in prison for drugs in Northern California.

Within weeks this void began to slowly be filled with stacks of custom envelope letters of cartoon characters like Micky, Daffy and Goofy addressed to MY SON!

The apologies came in depth as well filling the pages inside and out with questions about my hobbies, interests and life.

I was ecstatic to say the least, the most amazing part was that he was going to be released the day after Christmas. I was finally going to meet my dad!

As December came I remember counting the days like it was yesterday. I  filled a box of supplies like coffee, cigarettes, stamps, envelopes and pencils to send him for Christmas.

[orange was never the new black]

I packed the box myself and sent him directions on how to get to my house as soon as he was released

[I might have even drawn a map]

Long Pause….Big Breathes….Heavy Tears

[Now I am completely out of tissue and have to resort to using my shirt]

“I share this story with you so that you may find an abundance of love and light in your own life and know that you can overcome anything along this journey if you let go of resentment and awake your soul.”

My father didn’t show up that day or the day after. You probably had a hunch right? Me too!

So I did what all teenage boys do without a hero I became a vilan and I blamed it all on him.

The good news was it only lasted 12 years [14 if you count the grey years 1991/2005] to WAKE THE FUCK UP and realize I can’t blame anyone for my success or failures except for me!

I shouldn’t feel sorry for myself because no-one else will and I shouldn’t be resentful of anyone because honestly and as heart breaking as it sounds… my father could care less that I even existed, so why waste such deep negative energy on him?

[last howling cry out loud today I promise, this is a happy story]

“Had I had the father I always wanted, I wouldn’t be half the man I am today.”

So fast forward a few years and my soulmate interrupts my downward spiral into oblivion by helping me face my fears head on.

Her father also Unchecked any and all job responsibilities boxes on his parenting application.

It never stopped her or even slowed her drive down to become AMAZING! She is also personally responsible for believing in me a decade before I began to myself.

In 2000 I received a phone call possibly even a voice message on my moms answering machine at home

[voicemail did not exist]

The message said “Hi Lucas this is your sister please call me, I love you.”

We met for the first time that summer against my Mom’s will. She was concerned I would be let down and disappointed again as she did not want to see her only son hurt so deeply.

Far from it, my sister and I hit it off and gravitated to each other immediately. Filling as many holes as possible with our unconditional love for one another.

[only children always dream of siblings]

She was set on looking for our father together and after a wild goose chase through San Diego and dead end addresses she had pulled from the early internet we gave up and decided he was most likely dead. A few more holes filled and a few more emptied.

I lost my Mom unexpectedly in 2004

[read my bio for more tear jerking stories]

Katherine was by my side immediately as I trusted very few people at that time. I never talked about my pain with anyone except the bottom of a bottle.

My addiction with alcohol between 2004- 2006 almost got me killed a few times, arrested a few more times and turned me into an evil man every time.

[my bathroom book 100 stories why I don’t drink and why you shouldn’t either will be out early next year]

My life was saved in January of 2006 when my soulmate and I decided to get married, have a baby and live out our childhood dreams of raising children, building a business and growing old together happy and healthy.

Our son was born in October of 2006, 10 days before my 28th birthday. A few more gaps in my soul were filled. My purpose in life began to take shape and my beautiful family was growing.

We moved to Scottsdale in 2007 and began to build our home. The longest permanent residence of both my wife and I. Our foundation and dedication to raising a family right was at the cornerstone of our beliefs.

In 2008 our daughter Camille “Joy” was brought into this world and she immediately changed the game forever. After a few more wild nights I was finally ready on my own to give in and give up that I was powerless over alcohol.

“This dramatic self realization was the single greatest decision I have ever made about not repeating history and becoming a father like my own.”

“My daughter is my mémoir, my family my abstinence and my life’s obsession teaching the world how to improve, develop, advance, refine and upgrade every aspect of their own lives. Never looking back, never feeling sorry, never blaming others for our own miss fortunes.”

“But wait Luke I thought you were going to teach me about fitness and nutrition”?

  • Fitness and nutrition are the gateway drugs to living a higher quality of life.
  • They are the stepping stones through the garden of greatness.
  • The seatbelt and air bags in your vehicle of success.
  • The rocks that flow along our waterfall of life.

Without them in check and on point our mind and body cannot let go of the past. They won’t allow us to breakthrough and progress. To move forward and empower the lives of those around us. To overcome obstacles, and face challenges.

Resentment for one man pushed me away from living life to the fullest for so many years.

To living a live appreciative of all things. One that has meaning, purpose, reason and fulfillment of not only my own life but that of every person I can connect with.

A legacy I am creating to leave for my children’s, children’s, children.

This rebirth has now come full circle and brought me back to my father. A place I had sworn to never go again. A peice of me I deemed to painful to ever attempt to refill. A space I constantly filled with resentment. Resentment towards him and his family, my family. This negative emotion caused me to regress, fall back and effect my decision making process.

“Resentment is Regression”

But what if we let it go? What if whatever was holding you back right now at this exact moment was gone because you chose to let go?

What if letting go of your past no matter how hard or challenging gave you a personal peace with yourself, your father or a loved one that hurt you?

What if my fathers family was good, great even? What if they loved me unconditionally and alway did?

What if my past shaped my future and I let go of resentment? Then I could breakthrough and become even greater!

This past weekend I flew to Orlando, Florida for a digital summit convention and a family reunion. I picked up my sister and drove down to Tampa to meet my uncles, aunts, cousins, nephews, nieces and my grandmother!

Everyone of them gave me exactly what I was missing and what I have always wanted, to be completely satisfied and fulfilled. It’s what we all want, what everyone of us needs. UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

[alright I’m balling again]

[did I mention the character trait of a passionate, sober, tatted up, unapologetically authentic poetic man is?…..powerful cleansing emotion]

“If you don’t know where you came from, how will you ever know where you’re going”?

This story I share with you is not over, it’s actually just the beginning. In true nostalgic fashion my beautiful little girl came up with the idea of having Thanksgiving together in Florida year after my wife’s family reunites in Prescott. It’s in the calendar as Thanksgiving and Family reunion 2018. I plan on calling every time together a family reunion as we have so much time to make up together!

I hope this story inspires you to reach out and call a loved one, parent, mother, father, brother, sister or friend that you haven’t spoken to in a while or possibly never met before.

I ask that you let go of any resentment towards them, that you let your child know the truth about who they are and where they came from.

That you share this story with someone you miss in your life and who you love unconditionally without fear of what will happen.

I dedicate this to my sister Katherine, my Grandmother Phyllis, my Uncle Enoch, Aunt Dotti, Aunt Darlin, Uncle Wes and to the relentless follow through of my cousins Tonia, Paula, Shelly, Leslie and Juli who found and fought to bring me into their lives through the power of LOVE and FACEBOOK!

No kidding this social media platform has brought us all together under one place and allowed us to share so much!

In these bodies we will live,

in these bodies we will die.

Where you invest your love,

you invest your life.

 

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The only picture I have ever kept of my father and his grandmother.

WE ARE NOW COMPLETE!

9 thoughts on “RESENTMENT IS REGRESSION

  1. …. I so get it Luke – because my brother’s suicide left me an only child, because I am sober by the grace of God, because I get what it feels like to choose a soul family who unconditionally loves me to surroind myself with – I so get. I am so grateful for both you and Naj’s pressence in my life. We make a choice Luke – we choose to live out loud, we choose to be the example of the change we want to see in the world – we choose. Xo Love you Soul Brother – I am so flippin’ proud of you. I am going to hive you the hugest unconditionally loving hug when I see you! Xo

  2. I’m trying to talk though the microphone tears are streaming down my face so blessed to have you in our lives and I’m so looking forward to meet your family thank you for giving us a chance I love you

  3. I feel so blessed to have finally met my nephew and niece. It has
    been a true miracle for me. I have waited for years for this meeting to happen, I never thought it would, but now that it has, I will do everything in my power to see that it continues and thanksgiving 2018 is going to be wonderful.

  4. I can’t express how much this pass weekend meant to our family and myself.
    I feel so much motivation and Love in my heart.
    I didn’t think I was going to be able to go to meet my nephew because my Husband and my son need me here with them but through Gods grace my wonderful husband and family encourage me to go especially since I was the one who found Luke on Facebook and expressed how important it would be to My Mother and our family to meet
    Him. Little did I know the effect he would have on our life’s As I sit and read his heart felt words with my husband Rocky, we could not hold back our tears. We cried together as I read my nephews words , we also laughed especially when he paused and said he was crying too , it made us feel like we was there with him.
    Needless to say I had to stop reading and pause and give thanks.
    My heart is so overwhelmed with Love and gratefulness for for this passed weekend I regret not knowing my Nephew all of these years., but I look forward to all of the years we have in front of us.
    Thank you To my Brother and to Luke’s Mother for bringing him into this world. ❤️❤️

  5. Hey Cousin. This is David Doane, the son of Wes and Donna and the father of Bree. Because of back problems and being in a wheelchair I was unable to come. It was wonderful reading this. Ton Ton (Tonia) shared it on Facebook. Even through the pain and discomfort I wish I would have fought through it to come and meet you now and it is something I will regret. You can bet that I will be there come Thanksgiving in 2018. Even without this chance I just had I just want to say, Love you Cuz.

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